Helpless, Hopeless, Faithless

I want to live the way i was made... yet it seems so far away...

I care enough to bring trouble to myself... yet i feel like I am the only one...

Through His faithfulness and righteousness i jumped over an hurdle... yet there always seem to be another one...

The more i want to be selfless... the more selfish i become...

When i prayed for more understanding... the more i don't understand...

I feel like a prisoner for Christ... yet i am still a prisoner of my desires...

I do not want anyone to trouble me... yet i care too much

When i am upset... i am seen as overreacting...

I know nothing is perfect... but i am sick of not seeing perfection in anything...

I am tired.

I am weary.

I am frustrated.

I want to beat up somebody.

I am not moltivated.

I want to... cry.


...

Ugly Feet

Today while i was waiting for a bus to Metro Square, i realize my life is experiencing the same thing... waiting for something to come, to inspire me, to pick me up, to take me somewhere... While the i am waiting, i get frustrated at myself very easily. Why didn't i come to the bus stop ahead of time so i could get on an earlier bus. Should i walk to the next bus stop to reduce the boredom of waiting? I have been tired, weary, and weak. I am exhausted about pulling things through my own efforts, trying to hand in there by a thread. Emotions cloud my sensitivity to the spirit. Trying to make to the next bus as soon as possible. After i read Kwan's blog, i immediately said "oh crap..." I have really, really ugly feet. But at the same time, the separation between Jesus and I should not be blamed on myself anymore. I honestly truely deeply need Jesus to heal me and drawing attention to my own flaws doesn't help. If i love Jesus, i must love my life as a whole even though it's full of sins. Hopefully i can climb out this hole to the light and truely receive His blessings to my life and it is through Him whom i can obtain beautiful feet, just like the picture above.

I want to live like there's no tomorrow
I want to dance like no one's around
I want to sing like nobody's listening
Before I lay my body down
I want to give like I have plenty
I want to love like I'm not afraid
I want to be the man I was meant to be
I want to be the way I was made

Chris Tomlin

This is how i want to live my life... I do dance like no one's around all the time hehe.

A Date with Gong Gong and Por Por, Episode II

Imagine yourself wondering thru a jungle in the midst of a heavy fog. All of a sudden you get jumped by 5 jaguars. Not just jaguars. Female jaguars. That's how i feel everyday when i work in the office of the senior home, since all my bosses are women. They tend to do one thing very well: throwing more work at me. While i am busy photocopying some document for one boss, counting inventory for another, and deliver files for another, another one would naturally order me to modify charts and tables with excel. I see it as a very good training, preparing me for the real world that is full of vicious jaguars. Since I am the only man in the office, other than ordering me around, these women tend to make fun of me a lot. With their age, they can all be my aunties too. I think they are using me as an replacement for their sons since they can't stand being separated from their precious babies. How great is motherly love! It makes the office more awkward than ever...

I have just been trained to feed the elderly a week ago. Now i am responsible to feed a por por her meal everyday at lunch. I'll fill you guys in next time... Until then, i will survive the attack of jaguars...

A for Apple, B for Boy, G for Gayness

That's right. G stands for gayness. Why would I say that? Because I FAILED MY G TODAY!!! That was the stupidest test i have ever taken in my life. It was even stupider than the litmus paper test in chemistry or math quizzes in Math 121. The whole point of this test is to show the whole world how anal driving examiners are. C'mon, it's not even a real job. They won't let you speed more than 1km/h more. They stares at you funny. They check if your head can rotate 180 degree to see if there are any cars in your blind spot. They complain when you are too slow too. It's funny how everytime when i did the right thing they never see it. When i forgot one tiny thing, they take a bite on that mistake and won't let go.

I probably sound like a sore loser right now. I know it is my responsibility to understand how ANAL these people are, so i acknowledge the fact that it's all my fault... Next time i'll make sure that i'll do the right thing at the right moment when he is looking. I will not give him anymore excuses to charge me more money, since one test costs $200, including the driving instructor and the rented car. Now i have to go back to work. Yes, i took half a day off too. Time was wasted. Money was wasted. My youth was wasted. 10 days later, i'm gonna do all these things over again. Joy.

A Date with Gong-Gong and Por-Por, Episode I

Many of you have already known that i work at a senior home. And if you haven't, it's ok cuz that's wat this blog is for...

Since mid-June, I have been working in Mon Sheong Scarborough Long Term Care Center. The position they gave me is basically "summer student", meaning if there are anything that needs to be done and if you don't want to do it, then just give it to the summer student. It's a title that attracts abusive orders from other staff. How did i get this job? Good question because i don't even remember. One day i was as free as an eagle and the next day i found myself working. God is funny...

If you really want to know what my position is, I am basically the assistant to the assistant of the director of nursing in this long term care center. As the assistant of the director of nursing, she basically has to organize the schedules and shifts of nurses, keep track of all nursing inventory and supplies, order new nursing inventories and supplies, make and modify various forms and charts, data entry, make notes of minutes during meetings, arrange doctors and specialists appointments for all residents, photocopy and deliver memos, order medications and stationaries, make power points, and set up files for all residents. Unfortunately, since i am her assistant, most of her responsibilities naturally shift to my plate. Overworked and underpaid, I love my job. lol

But what i really love about my job is the people. The people that i work with and the gong-gongs and por-pors that live there. Most of the staff there treat me like their son cuz i am the same age as many of their's sons and daughters. It is awkward somtimes having much older people as my co-workers. What should i call them? Uncle and Auntie? First names? Mr or Mrs? Complicated... The gong-gongs and por-pors are even funnier. With their bad memories, I introduced myself to the same por por five times in a day. They love telling me that they will introduce hot girls to me and arrange marriages for me. I know i have the potentials and assets but i feel like they really want me to marry their granddaughters sometime (that's only what i think). 1.5 months to go and i can't wait til the barbecue day with gong-gong and por por on the 19th hehehe

But what is more ironic about my job is that for the past two years i have been making fun of nurses. All nursing froshies from Queen's are my laughing stocks. Now nurses are all i see everyday. I even work in the Department of Nursing. My bosses are nurses. The people i get help from are nurses and PSW's. It seems like it's time for me to find a new respect in the occupation of nursing... But i dun think i will... lol

Praying to Pray...

Couple days ago in i had an opportunity to pray with some other people from fellowship. But for some reason, right at that moment when it's my turn to pray, my heart felt pressed. I couldn't say anything. I couldn't feel anything. I could feel that my tank was empty. Then i just forced myself to talk and throw in a bunch of prayer items that i honestly dun mean or dun care. I haven't felt like that in ages. Prayers have been a blessing for me for the past few months and it just hurts me when i didn't wanting to pray... I honestly didn't know wat else to say... Stuck. Helpless. I was right in front of God and i couldn't praise Him. That whole night really hit me.

Yesterday, after what happened in London, i know there must be a reason why we pray... Hopefully people who pray is not something that is only found in the Bible.

Immunity from Preregistration

As many of you know, I will be taking part of the "x-ray" part of my life-sci program. This means that I won't be taking part of any Queen's courses next year. We all know what that means... NO PREREGISTRATION.

Yes, that means i don't have to go onto QCARD early in the morning to find out that all the courses are full because the office set a 100 student limit on a course when 300 students need to take it.

It also means that i dun have to look for electives that will offer me easy marks but at the same time won't use "it's boring..." as an excuse for me to sleep in lectures.

Of course, i dun need to organize my own timetable to make sure i 7 hours of classes in a row.

I, however, do feel left out from all my friends since many of them are currently in a "winner takes all" battle with QCARD and their fellow classmates. I'm posting up the link for qcard for any of you who feel lost in the midst of pre-reg and I'll be supporting you guys in spirit. Thank me later.

Man of the Day

With power and grace, he has what it takes. Sorry Roddick. You're just not good enough.

Sermon today: live each day like it's the end of the age...

Oh, Canada!

First Blog on Blogspot... woot woot!

Today... well yesterday... was Canada Day. Nothing special happened. Dinner with family... Nothing special happened. (i have to say it twice to emphasize)

Yesterday nothing happened but i watched the first star wars (4th episode). Great movie. Once again my favourite R2-D2 came to the rescue.


As you see this blog doesn't have anything to do with Canada Day whatsoever...