Do you listen?

Coming off a rough summer, I came back to kingston feeling very empty. Nothing was left in me to give. Prayers became meaningless monologues and the Bible become an ordinary book. I felt intimidated around my friends and "loner" was written over my forehead. But as a cell group leader of my fellowship and a member of Praise and Power worship team, i needed to find a way out of this. I know that God will certainly take care of everything in his hand since, after all, he is a God that saves. I thought i was starting to do OK until i realized two days ago that i am still not letting go many things that have clouded my heart away from God. There are still people that i have gudges on and things that i would not put them to rest in my mind. As a result, guilt and shame overwhelmed my faith and no matter how much I pray and worship God can still look so far away.

Two nights ago, I was praying with good friends of mine. While I was sharing about my problems and struggle, one of them ask me, "Do you listen, Gavin?" That question shutted me up. I couldn't believe what i have heard. I wanted to say "Yes, I do." But i can't because, no, i didn't listen to Him. For the whole time, i focused so much on myself and on my own strength. Too many times i try to find out what I can do to glorify Jesus Christ and what i can be for Jesus Christ. Too many times i only look at how much suffering I am going through and pray to God to heal me and give me passion. I didn't realize that God could be speaking to me for the whole time but I just wasn't listening... That struck me hard and deep. I couldn't thank all my brothers who try to pick me up through prayers. All of a sudden my life begins to have a direction again. Waking up every morning with the feeling of knowing that Jesus Christ is my saviour is more than enough, I can see hope and glory. Next time when my friend ask me the same question, I will make sure i can say "yes" with confidence that comes from the cross and the cross alone.